Cabinet Battle #1

WASHINGTON
Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been
anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re
here with us in New York City. Are you ready
for a cabinet meeting???
WASHINGTON
The issue on the table: Secretary Hamilton’s
plan to assume state debt and establish a
national bank. Secretary Jefferson, you have
the floor.
JEFFERSON
‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.’
We fought for these ideals; we shouldn’t
settle for less.
These are wise words, enterprising men
quote ‘em.
Don’t act surprised, you guys, cuz I wrote ‘em.
JEFFERSON/MADISON
Oww
JEFFERSON
But Hamilton forgets
his plan would have the government assume
state’s debts.
Now, place your bets as to who that benefits:
the very seat of government where Hamilton
sits.
HAMILTON
Not true!
JEFFERSON
Ooh, if the shoe fits, wear it.
If New York’s in debt—
why should Virginia bear it? Uh! Our debts are
paid, I’m afraid.
Don’t tax the South cuz we got it made in
the shade.
In Virginia, we plant seeds in the ground.
We create. You just wanna move our money
around.
This financial plan is an outrageous demand,
and it’s too many damn pages for any man to
understand.
Stand with me in the land of the free
and pray to God we never see Hamilton’s
candidacy.
Look, when Britain taxed our tea, we got frisky.
Imagine what gon’ happen when you try to
tax our whisky.
WASHINGTON
Thank you, Secretary Jefferson. Secretary
Hamilton, your response.
HAMILTON
Thomas. That was a real nice declaration.
Welcome to the present, we’re running a
real nation.
Would you like to join us, or stay mellow,
Doin’ whatever the hell it is you do in
Monticello?
If we assume the debts, the union gets
A new line of credit, a financial diuretic.
How do you not get it? If we’re aggressive and
competitive
The union gets a boost. You’d rather give it
a sedative?
A civics lesson from a slaver. Hey neighbor,
Your debts are paid cuz you don’t pay for
labor.
“We plant seeds in the South. We create.”
Yeah, keep ranting,
we know who’s really doing the planting.
And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment,
Don’t lecture me about the war, you didn’t
fight in it.
You think I’m frightened of you, man?
We almost died in a trench
while you were off getting high with the
French.
Thomas Jefferson, always hesitant with the
President,
reticent—there isn’t a plan he doesn’t jettison.
Madison, you’re mad as a hatter, son, take
your medicine.
Damn, you’re in worse shape than the
national debt is in,
sittin’ there useless as two shits.
Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you
where my shoe fits.
WASHINGTON
Excuse me? Jefferson, Madison, take a walk!
Hamilton, take a walk! We’ll reconvene after
a brief recess. Hamilton!
HAMILTON
Sir!
WASHINGTON
A word.
MADISON
You don’t have the votes.
JEFFERSON/MADISON
You don’t have the votes.
JEFFERSON
Aha-ha-ha ha!
JEFFERSON/MADISON
You’re gonna need congressional approval
and you don’t have the votes.
JEFFERSON
Such a blunder sometimes it makes me
wonder why I even bring the thunder.
MADISON
Why he even brings the thunder…
WASHINGTON
You wanna pull yourself together?
HAMILTON
I’m sorry, these Virginians are birds of a
feather.
WASHINGTON
Young man, I’m from Virginia, so watch your
mouth.
HAMILTON
So we let Congress get held hostage by the
South?
WASHINGTON
You need the votes.
HAMILTON
No, we need bold strokes. We need this plan.
WASHINGTON
No, you need to convince more folks.
HAMILTON
James Madison won’t talk to me, that’s a
nonstarter.
WASHINGTON
Winning was easy, young man. Governing’s
harder.
HAMILTON
They’re being intransigent.
WASHINGTON
You have to find a compromise.
HAMILTON
But they don’t have a plan, they just hate
mine!
WASHINGTON
Convince them otherwise.
HAMILTON
What happens if I don’t get congressional
approval?
WASHINGTON
I imagine they’ll call for your removal.
HAMILTON
Sir—
WASHINGTON
Figure it out, Alexander. That’s an order from
your commander.